M.P.’s should suffer ATOS scrutiny

dwpexamination forum now available at http://dwpexaminations.blacktrianglecampaign.org/phpBB3/

As you will have noticed the recent press releases relating to expenses claimed by M.P’s have been in abundance over the last few days. This is because the lying, thieving, shamefaced scumbags Politicians have been caught with their trousers down and are now suffering as a result of public pressure to reveal how our money is being wasted and abused used by them.

I wonder how they would feel if they had their own version of ATOS healthcare? You can just imagine it cant you, one Saturday morning at around 10ish a Labour Politician receives a call from ATOS Claimcare, they want him to attend a financial examination (which is not really a normal financial examination and is not there to diagnose your spending habits, in fact its there to find out what you have spend money on). The bastards would shit themselves and several excuses for non attendance later they would arrive at a nondescript government office where they would be assessed on the way in from the moment they stepped from their Jaguar. A special wrist height camera (Rolex detector) would assess the type of watch they were wearing whilst a fashion expert (Saville Road Specialist) would be on hand with a  full body picture to assess the current value of thier clothing. Similar methods would be applied to the current status and hourly rate of any attending Lawyers.

The M.P. would then be made to wait uncomfortably in the waiting room whilst their Forensic Accountant  (F.A.) went through the available video evidence from which he would have his first assumptions of the ‘examination’. After five minutes have elapsed, the F.A. enters stage left from a small dark room into which you can not see and invites the politician into his office. He observes the politician and his Lawyer (L) untill they are seated.

He begins by introducing himself in a friendly none threatening manner and pauses (just to add to the claimants discomfort) whilst he calls up the necessary information on his computer.

F.A.) Well Mr Tarquin Ponsonby Smythe, (T.P.S.) M.P. for (Censored), How are you today?

L.) Whispers “You don’t have to answer that”.

T.P.S.) Remains silent.

F.A.) Types Multiple choice answer (b) Claimant refused to answer question.

F.A.) Today I am going to ask you questions relating to your claims for Damp proofing your second home, Having your Moat cleaned, the cost of your Duck house and several smaller claims for items including dog food and gardening and plants.

T.P.S.) Remains silent

L.) Whispers, I’ll field the first few, follow my lead

F.A.) Mr S, you claimed £50,000 for damp proofing work to your second property in Upper Bagshott, which is actually further away from Parliament than your actual home in Killburn. Can you explain why ATOS Financial Care have evidence to support your claim was in fact for your potting shed and the total cost of repairs was £127.59p inclusive of V.A.T.?

T.P.S.) Running finger around his now sweaty collar, opens his mouth but is cut off by his lawyer who interrupts.

L.) My client submitted a claim for damp proofing of his “summer house” which was accepted by the claims office under accepted under the house rules.

F.A.) We have a bill and a statement from Mr Craggs of Bodgit & Scarper Ltd which clearly states that the work carried out at your second home was and I quote .”Raising one 2m x 1.8m shed and inserting a damp proof membrane”. Total cost including materials £127.59p. Mr Craggs also claims you asked how much the job would be for cash and if he would be willing to provide a blank receipt if you threw in a few pints for him and the boy?

L.) Glares at T.P.S. and says, As the alleged shed was in fact attached to the property My client claims he regularly used it as a sun house and as such saw fit to claim for the remedial work.

F.A.) Types standard answer no 2 “Claim exaggerated, no sign of regret or remorse claim denied”

F.A.) Mr S, in February of this year you submitted a claim  of £30,000 for “Moat cleaning” again for your secondary home in Upper Bagshott. Would you mind explaining where exactly the moat is?

T.P.S.) Looks pleadingly at his Lawyer, who responds. “My client submitted a claim for cleaning the moat around his  second home which was accepted by the claims office under the house rules.

F.A.) We have a bill and a statement from Mr Craggs of Bodgit & Scarper Ltd which clearly states that the work carried out at your second home was and I quote . “Cleaning the guttering of leaves and mud” Total cost £237.98p inclusive of V.A.T. Mr Craggs also claims you asked how much the job would be for cash and if he would be willing to provide a blank receipt if you threw in a few pints for him and the boy?

L.) Now visibly shaking glares a T.P.S. and says. It is said that every Englishman’s home is his castle. Under this premise my client submitted a claim for what he saw as remedial work to the “Moat” which in fact does surround his home. This claim was submitted to the claims office and accepted under the house rules.

F.A.) Types standard answer no 2 “Claim exaggerated, no sign of regret or remorse claim denied”

F.A.) Mr s, In June last year you submitted a claim for £1,298 for a “Duck House” Supplied by none other than Mr Craggs of Bodgit and Scarper Ltd, which was delivered to your secondary residence in Upper Bagshott. Would you mind explaining the exact purpose of the Duck House and how it is linked to your Parliamentary duties?

L.) Shoots a disapproving glance at T.P.S. Who, looking pleadingly at his Lawyer, cringes.

L.) Huhh, hummm (clearing his throat) My client decided that the cost of eating in Upper Bagshott had increased so much over the last year or so that he would keep, slaughter and cook his own Chinese food thus reducing his annual bill of over £27,000 for takeaway food. This was also used when entertaining Government guests at his second home.

F.A. ) Ahh yes, that brings us to the matter of a bill of £70,000 for “light entertainment” provided my Miss W Lash of the Parliamentary Correction Escort Company, proprietor Mr Craggs. Which I hasten to add will be put before the scrutiny committee next week. Turning to his computer the F.A. types standard answer no 2 “Claim exaggerated, no sign of regret or remorse claim denied”

F.A.) In the summer of 2008 you submitted a claim amounting to the princely sum of £968.47p Inclusive of V.A.T. to the claims office for the purchase of plants from Craggs garden centre and dog food from Supercraggs mini market. Can you elaborate?

L.) As he was leaving “You re on your own pal, and I thought I was bent”.

T.P.S.) Ahh well, you see, My er plants, ah yes,  thats it, My plants were stolen by vandals and I had to get a guard dog to keep them away. Unfortunately the guard dog only ate steak which I got from Mr Craggs mini market. Anyway the dog ate the ducks so I had to get another do…….

F.A.) Looking at the M.P. in utter disbelief. Types into his computer standard answer no 2 “Claim exaggerated, no sign of regret or remorse claim denied”

F.A.) Is it true to say you are related to Mr Craggs Mr S.

T.P.S.) Well, not really, he’s the wifes Brother you see, so technically there is no clear bloodline relationship here, is there?

F.A.) Types standard answer no 3 (more out of boredom than anything else) Absolute bloody lie, no sign of remorse, claim denied. That concludes my Financial Examination Mr S, Good bye.

T.P.S.) Can you read your answers back so I can correct any inconsistencies?

F.A.) No you can get a copy of my report from the house next week, you should receive a decision within a fortnight but if I was you I’d get a fast bike and f**k off cos they like nice well spoken blond boys like you in Broadmoor. NEXT PLEASE……

I’ll be back!!!